“Ulysses" in the Age of Buzzfeed

Marilyn Monroe reading "Ulysses"

Did you know... you have an 8-second attention span?

That’s one second less than a goldfish’s.

Also, if I haven’t hooked you into reading this within the next 11 words, you’re outta here.

Those are essential web-writing tips from Andrea Smith, an award-winning digital communications consultant. She came all the way to Basking Ridge, NJ, to offer advice to Verizon's PR team. Other tips: use short sentences. And numbers. And bullets.

The advice was truly terrific for the type of writing I often do. But I enjoy writing other things, and the workshop happened to take place on the day after Bloomsday. I thought: What if I were James Joyce, trying to make a living in PR these days?

I could only imagine:

4 Homerically Interesting Observations About Dublin

Things got interesting on a first date this past week. I’m not going to write about that here (I’ll save it for Snapchat or some other form of private communication). But it got me to thinking about ordinary life and romance in my home town.

So here’s a list of 4 things I’m sure all Dubliners can appreciate:

1. No grey trousers. Ever. 
2. There’s history on every corner! (Of course, all the tourists are just a nightmare from which I am trying to awake.) 
3. Want to be taken seriously? Try shouting in the streets! 
4. Local cats cry “Mrkrgnao!” when they are hungry. 

That’s just a taste, of course. Right now, I have to run. My girl just asked me would I yes to say yes, and my heart is going like mad. So, yes I said yes. I will. Yes.

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That’s it. Exactly 150 words! Flesch reading ease of 92!! Cats!!!

I suppose if you really want to learn more about Joyce's novel, you could start with the backstory behind Eve Arnold's click-bait photo I’ve attached to this post.

I tried reading “Ulysses” myself this past week, but gave up on it.

As I eloquently observed to my nephew Steven yesterday while loading a cargo van with things he had borrowed for college, “I thought ‘Ulysses’ was a pretentious pile of garbage.”

Steven happens to be a linguistic prodigy. He will someday earn his doctorate from Michigan State in classical languages and someday publish a new translation of “The Odyssey” that will make Grene and Lattimore look like bumbling idiots.

“A pretentious pile of garbage?” Steven laughed… then delivered a pitch-perfect reply, as if a siren putting me back in my place:

“Well, Uncle Bob, I can see why you’d think that.”

The First Rule of "Gotcha Journalism"

"Fight Club" fans already know the answer to this. The first rule of "gotcha journalism" is you do not talk about "gotcha journalism."

So when asked to speak at last week’s Bulldog Reporter webinar on the topic of how PR spokespeople can combat overly aggressive tactics, I punted and said, "It's just journalism."

Thinking back on years of interaction with journalists, I recall only a few legitimate fights and not too many sucker punches.

A little over a year ago, I took a call from a Guardian reporter I didn’t know. After he laid out his story premise and research, I thought, “I bet I know who’s going to win the Pulitzer Prize next year,” before connecting him with a colleague who declined comment on behalf of the company.

Surely, that wasn't "gotcha journalism." (It may have been something else, given what we soon publicly learned of Glenn Greenwald's source, but that's an even thornier issue.)

As a PR person, I may not like or expect a reporter’s question, but that doesn’t make the question unfair. Similarly, a reporter may not like my answer, but that doesn’t make the answer – even when I must decline comment -- any less valid.

This give-and-take between journalist and source is changing due to technology. PR can't reliably play the "let's-go-off-the-record" game because not everyone follows the same rules. The New York Times can't play the "you-have-150-words-to-respond-with-a-letter" game because it doesn't own the printing press anymore.

Today everyone – including PR people, brands, trolls, conspiracy theorists and even my mother – can be a publisher. That may level the field a bit for PR, but it also makes the role of the journalist even more critical.

It's getting harder and harder for readers or viewers to find authenticity online. With that in mind, here’s a suggested start at my New Rules of Media Relations:

1. Show a little faith in people – including parents, teachers and, yes, even journalists – who try to help people find or discern the truth.
2. Do not talk about this with journalists.

Graduation Day

My daughter's graduation yesterday was a suspicious occasion.

Yes, this was the malapropism dropped by one of the presenters at Montclair State University's commencement ceremony at the Izod Center. I spent the morning watching 4,382 students -- MSU's largest graduating class in its more than 100-year history -- get their degrees.

It was a terrific ceremony. Very well organized, with comfortable setting and great staging. Lots of happiness, enthusiasm and energy in the arena.

I turned to my wife and said, "Finally, we're at a graduation that matters!" She laughed, thinking back to all the other graduation ceremonies we've been at over the years where she muttered under her breath that "graduating from kindergarten..." or "graduating from 8th grade.." wasn't really that noteworthy.

Afterwards, we told our daughter, "Now you can go to beautician's school if you want to..." And she just laughed too... in appreciation. Beauty school had been something she floated as a desire after high school, but my wife and I had insisted she get a college degree first. Being a beautician is a fine job, but my daughter (who used to play "teacher" when she was a little girl) re-discovered her love for teaching while at MSU. Over the past few years, she not only earned her degree in family and child studies, she also earned a teaching certificate.

The commencement speaker, popular author James Patterson, donates scholarships to MSU every year, earmarked to train teachers. During his address, he noted that "teachers save lives" -- and my eyes welled with tears of pride.

My daughter liked Patteron's speech... and the fact that he often posts photos of his orange cat online.

The photo here of the MSU red hawk mascot entertaining the crowd before the ceremony landed on my own Instagram account. I also, as you can see, wore a penguin tie to this auspicious occasion. I had bought this many years ago at the now-defunct all-penguin-item store at the South Street Seaport. Who would have known then that I'd wear it to my daughter's college graduation?

As for the commencement speech, Patterson told many anecdotes... his theme was the power of storytelling... which, I've since found online, he's used on other occasions.

For example, there's this about Catholic guilt:

"This priest came in, and there was a mountain across the street from the school. And he was trying to impress on us how long eternity was. And he said if there was a little bird and once every 1,000 years it flew over to that mountain and carried as much as it could carry in its beak over to this side and put it in our parking lot . . . when he had transported the entire mountain over here, that would be only the beginning of an eternity in Hell."

I'll end here with this one, which impressed me as particularly good life advice:

"Imagine life is a game in which you are juggling five balls. The balls are called work, family, health, friends, and integrity. And you're keeping all of them in the air. But one day you finally come to understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back. The other four balls...are made of glass. If you drop one of these, it will be irrevocably scuffed, nicked, perhaps even shattered."

Civility in Corporate America

“You and the rest of your corporate greedy cronies are destroying the country,” the recent email to me began. “Does crawling into bed with a multitude of other corporate whores feel good?”

The sender felt compelled to use that “shock jock” intro in response to my company’s POV on regulatory proceedings at the FCC. I had respectfully provided background on the issue.

The truth is, my PR job does make me feel good… because, ultimately, my job is to help my company do the right thing.

The best PR is built on the best business practices. At a recent professional event, Bob DeFillippo, Prudential’s chief communications officer, commented on what he would have done differently during the Gulf of Mexico oil spill to reduce the damage to BP’s reputation. He replied, “I would have capped the well faster.”

He also said, “I never had to compromise my integrity because of concerns over profit or to avoid admitting that we did something wrong.”

I can say the same about my own career. At my company, there’s an oft-cited one-page Credo that reminds us we only have work because our customers value our services. There’s also a more-detailed Code of Conduct that outlines policies to ensure integrity and respect in our workplace.

The result? I believe there’s more mutual respect, civility and decency evident in corporate America than in general society… or even in my church parking lot.

That’s not such a bad bed to crawl into after all.

Frosty, the Throwback

In my first job at pre-Verizon NYNEX, I was asked to take one for the team and dress up as Frosty the Snowman during family day in December 1985.

Yes, I enjoyed this... a group of laughing little kids followed me around all day. I came back the next year to do the same because everyone wanted to see Frosty again.

That's a Data General 6344 terminal in the photo. We sold these from NYNEX Business Information Systems Company (affectionately called BISC). We later purchased a chain of IBM computer retail stores to add to our own stores, called Datago, and I did the PR for this.

I used my employee discount to buy my first computer -- an Apple //c, complete with Appleworks -- at the Datago store in White Plains, NY. It was crazy expensive, considering my salary at the time and what electronics cost today, but it was also the beginning of a beautiful decades-long love affair. Don't even begin to ask my wife about my rapture at getting a ROM upgrade to purchase a 800K-capacity UniDisk.

With so many memories, my storage capacity needs have greatly expanded since then.

3 Lessons Learned From Interns

It’s Intern Season in Corporate America, so it’s time to brush up on few lessons before they arrive:

1. It’s OK to Dress Up for Work.

The interns at Verizon are always impeccably dressed and they, incongruously, add an air of professionalism to our office. Without interns, the summer dress code here might best be described as “anarchy.”

Since I’m not a men's basketball coach or NFL pre-game analyst, it may not be necessary for me to wear a suit and tie to work every day. But the interns dress as if the workplace is somewhere important. They care enough to try to impress someone – and that's commendable.

2. I’m Fortunate to Work Here.

Not “lucky.” Not “undeserving.” But, yes, fortunate.

The interns here are very smart, well-educated, diverse (sometimes multilingual), highly competitive… and even they think they’re fortunate to be here. I don't encounter many interns who think they are entitled.

No matter. Time will teach interns that they’re not entitled to anything. Time also teaches every one of us never to take anything for granted.

3. Technology Kills.

Watching interns seamlessly integrate technology into their daily lives is a thing of beauty.

Does all this technology engender a lack of focus? Perhaps. Does all this access to data consumption and manipulation compensate for a lack of experience? Certainly not.

Still, fearlessness combined with expertise can be a powerful thing. Technology can spark creativity and passion, and narrow the experience gap.

So I love and respect technology too. I also keep in mind that interns are not like sheep who fill up the parking lot, add to the lunch line and mass-inhabit otherwise empty office space.

They’re more like next-generation wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Dad and Uncle Pat

At the memorial golf tournament for my wife Nancy’s brother today, the catering manager served mint juleps to Nancy and Joann — apropos of Kentucky Derby Day.

At dinner, I tried a sip of Nancy’s drink.

“It’s bourbon!” I exclaimed — although normally I have no discerning taste buds.

I knew there was bourbon in the drink because the taste reminded me so much of my Dad.

Career Advice From Friends: "Everything Communicates"

After offering my own PR career advice in anticipation of a recent IABC New Jersey event at Rutgers, I wanted to follow up with the advice given that night by two IABC friends.

Michelle Sangillo specializes in change management and employee engagement. She told students and those seeking a career change that she learned important lessons early in her career, when she was an administrative assistant. She began her talk by grabbing a stuffed elephant she had placed in the corner of the room. "You can't ever ignore the elephant in the corner," she said, noting that successful people are fearless and that she had trained to face down her own fear of public speaking.

• Everything Communicates. "As a communications person, remember that you're being observed by everyone," she said, echoing the age-old PR advice: "Everything communicates!" (what you say or don't, how you treat colleagues, what you wear...). Yes, someone's always watching you.
• Pay Attention to Details. This, more than anything else, convinced Michelle that she could advance her career. As an administrative assistant, she saw the carelessness of managers and thought, "Hey, I can do better than that," simply by focusing and by being thoughtful and competent. I related to this point. In my first job I wrote obituaries for a local newspaper, and it only takes one careless error in an obit to learn a lifelong lesson.
• Don't Insult Yourself. "You have to have confidence in yourself for someone else to have confidence in you," Michelle said. She confidently left her admin job after 10 years because she knew she had been typecast. So she left, earned a master's degree, and pursued a career in a field she loved.

Joe Donner operates Thunder Consulting -- so named because Donner is the Germanic name for the god of thunder. He's had senior communications roles within large companies and advising large companies from the outside as the principal of his own agency.

• Read More. Joe was an English major, and he's kept personal and professional journals throughout his life -- so already I admire him for that. My admiration grew as he stood in front of the room and said, "Read more. Learn as much as you can about everything you can." He added, "Learn about a diversity of things: Business, art, economics, engineering processes, current events... Join a professional organization, and share experiences with people from outside your company." This is a great reason to join an organization like IABC.
• Prepare to Be Laid Off. "It can happen to anyone," Joe said. You can be great at your job, but if your job moves to Minnesota and you don't want to move your family, you may find yourself looking for work in New Jersey. You can't afford to have tunnel vision; you have to always prepare for other options.
• Show Off a Little. Joe's first job was as a claims processor. One day he read an indecipherable memo from the company's CEO. "Whoever wrote this should be shot," Joe said -- with the person who wrote the memo, unbeknownst to him, standing right behind him. The memo-writer challenged, "Well, if you could do better..." So Joe edited the memo on the spot and handed it back. The author considered Joe's edits, shook his head and said, "Why are you processing claims? You should be working in corporate communications."

Ah... if only real life were like that all the time.

I’m going to take Joe’s advice and read Steve Martin’s memoir, “Born Standing Up.” I bet Steve never studied business in college, but I don't think his own career advice has ever been topped: “Be so good they can’t ignore you.”

Here's to the Google Glass Explorers

My name is Bob, and I’m addicted to gadgets.

It started when I was young and my Uncle Frank purchased what might have been the first commercial pocket calculator with an LED display. I don’t know what he paid for it, but judging from Aunt Helen’s reaction, it was not cheap.

Still, Uncle Frank was silly with excitement and fearlessly in love with this new technology. He took me aside and explained about transistors and miniaturization. We solved impossible division problems with ridiculous ease. Then he punched in “.7734” and held the device upside down so that the numbers read, “HELL.O” – thus performing the world’s first calculator word trick.

Yesterday, I thought fondly of my late uncle as I decided against taking up Google on its offer of buying Google Glass for $1,500. For one thing, that’s a “7734” of a lot of money. Also -- as I joked on Twitter – given my wife’s healthy love of privacy, the resulting divorce would probably make such a purchase even more cost-prohibitive.

But I’m not a Google Glass Explorer hater. I admire people who try new things and share their excitement and their successes. I’m a technology optimist and believe that many new applications have great potential for good. The company I work for believes this too.

As Uncle Frank might say today: “OK Glass… Send a message to Bob that he hasn’t seen anything yet.”